True leadership isn’t about power and force. It is about communication, awareness of the strength of each individual, the ability to recognize and use the skills of the other, and the choice to work together. This remains true in life, relationships, and dance.
I’ve been preparing for my next ballroom competition this Friday. Since last year, I’ve learned a lot technically and about the interpersonal forces of a ballroom partnership. I’ve been trying to gain an understanding on what separates a decent team from an extraordinary one. One aspect is the “lead/follow” relationship.
In ballroom, if a guy is leading correctly and the woman is fully embracing her role, the lead disappears. You don’t even notice him. Likewise, a great leader can be recognized by what they leave behind, how they have trained others and encouraged others to be their best, to the point that they almost disappear. How would a company look if the leaders were that selfless?
As I’ve gotten more involved in the process I realize how far removed the woman’s role in dance is from the typical “follow around like a little puppy” view. The perceptions I hear from women who dance are either: they think they can’t follow because they can't give up control, or the alternative: they completely surrender to the guy’s lead, he gets to decide everything and they just get to look pretty. Both are far from the reality of an exceptional dance partnership. The woman determines, chooses, and controls a number of aspects in a dance. This is intentional. As women in dance, we are active contributors.
There is so much to concentrate on in dancing, the pair splits up the duties. If I, as a woman, was so busy wondering what move to do next, I wouldn’t be able to hear the intricacies of the music. We would move around the dance floor and it would look fine, but it lacks that extra piece to make it exceptional. Likewise, if the guy had to worry about swelling with the mood of the music, he wouldn’t be able to steer us away from hitting another couple as we turned. We split up the aspects of dance and respect each other's authority in the matter.
The women controls the musicality, not just for herself, but for the couple. It is true that allowing the guy to lead allows for the women to be more passionate and beautiful individually. But it also allows the guy to be the same. Depending on the music, when my partner leads a particular move I can hold it a fraction of a second longer than he expected, filling up the space and time. Taking a deep breath and holding it for just a little before releasing. A good lead will sense this and pause with me. In that way I help him dance the music rather than just going through motions. If he had to focus on both, we wouldn’t be able to move. He gives up the right to determine the breath and flow of the dance to the woman.
It isn’t about the guy doing all the work and I just get to float around looking pretty. I am a dynamic part in the partnership. For example, when turning in closed hold, the woman is in change of stopping the movement at the right time. This takes so much strength both in mind awareness of where the couple is as a unit, as well as, strength in body. Hello core workout.
The woman is also in charge of the connection. The man’s frame has to stay constant. If he is worried about making sure we are connected I wouldn’t be able to tell if his arm twitching is a lead or reestablishing the connection. Therefore, it is the women who determines how much connection to have, how much tension to create and ultimately how much power the couple will have on the floor. In any couple, dance or relationship, some tension is good. It is the women who chooses and controls how much tension to create. Too submissive and the couple has no power, too aggressive and the body contact is lost. The correct amount of tension creates a power that allows really good couples to float across the dance floor.
The graceful power doesn’t happen if the woman is weak, if she is hesitating, if she is just letting the man go wherever he wants. It’s like a rubber band. It can be floopy, break if pulled to tight, or it can stretch and pull and snap back into place. In a dance couple I pull away from my partner while remaining completely attached. In fact, I now dance in true closed hold which means my dance partner and I are touching from the bottom of my rib cage to my belly button at all times (in smooth dances). But I am pressing into him and away from him at the same time creating tension. It is that contradiction of being attached but pressure that allows for power, that allows us to know where each others bodies are, and for him to direct us on the floor.
Force the guy to lead, question him, don’t just follow blindly. This is where women get upset in dancing. They give all the power to the guy. Why? Because he determines where you stand on the floor? That is just a part, albeit an important part when dancing in competitions with 10 other couples on the floor. When he starts to lead a turn the woman doesn’t crumble into it. Instead she takes an extra fraction of a second still going the way she was headed until that ideal tension spot. This does two things: It forces the guy to be a stronger lead, to be sure of where he is going. It also creates the pull required to gain sharpness and control for a turn. Emotionally, both are reminded that she is strong, that she actively has to agree if the partnership is going to work.
I'll post videos once the competition is done!
